Trader Joke's: The Musical! (Because Not All Dreams Can Come True)
So just in case the insult is not as fresh in your mind as it is in mine: Back in June of 2010, after years of petitioning, a Trader Joe's sign went up at Keizer Station, and everyone was sooooo excited. Then, an hour later, Keizer Station representatives were like, "Ooops! Sorry! Just kidding!" Which, how does that even happen? Seriously, it was a giant sign and a crane arrived to put it up. Made no damn sense. I was so upset that I channeled my anger into a musical. Lots and lots of people asked whether it would ever be staged, and the answer is yes. I have staged it. It will be available on the Dramatic Reenactment page on Saturday. Also, as we all know, this story has a happy ending!
Originally published June 18, 2010
Remember last week, when I said I would write about how Salem of 1927 and 2010 are exactly the same? Right now, there's only one similarity that's on my mind: neither 1927 Salem nor 2010 Salem have a Trader Joe's. So now, because it has vexed me so badly, I present to you "Trader Jokes — the Musical!"This concept is shamelessly stolen from The New Yorker, and this is strictly how I imagine the whole thing has gone down. Let me say this one more time, so there can be no confusion: this is 100 percent a work of fiction. Except for the parts that are true.
(Our musical opens on THE SALEM CHORUS huddled in a mass of cars on Lancaster. They are each in separate cars, yet sing as one.)
PEOPLE OF SALEM:
Why are there no options here?
Why no frozen gnocchi?
Why are there no options here?
Where's our green tea mochi?
We do not want Target,
Nor Safeway's dull rows,
We do not want Wal-Mart --
We want Trader Joe's!
We'll join Facebook groups,
Demand corporate's ear,
We'll whine and complain
'Til we get our Joe's here.
PEOPLE OF KEIZER:
And we want one, too!
So why not Keizer Station?
We’d be much more worthy
Of your consideration
We do make more money,
We have more degrees,
Despite chilling effects of
State workers’ wage freeze.
(At Trader Joe's corporate headquarters in Monrovia, TRADER JOE'S CEO smokes an organic, delicious and yet reasonably priced cigar, laughs and tosses the PEOPLE OF SALEM's and the KEIZER CHORUS’ letters into the recycling bin)
TRADER JOE'S CEO:
No Trader Joe's for you!
We don't mean to bruise egos,
You're not our demographic,
Shop up in Lake Oswego.
(The PEOPLE OF PORTLAND enter on their fixed-wheel bikes)
PEOPLE OF PORTLAND (smugly):
We have in our borders
So many groceries superior,
This is just that much proof,
that our neighbor's inferior.
(Exit PEOPLE OF PORTLAND. Time passes with a great, swelling chorus. The SALEM CHORUS dreams of Trader Joe's and Three Buck Chuck. The KEIZER CHORUS celebrates Iris Fest, though their heart is not in it. Then, a low timpani rumble as GUY AT KEIZER STATION walks on stage, dazed)
GUY AT KEIZER STATION:
Hey! You guys! I see something there!
That new sign! Do you suppose
That the meaning of this
Is a new Trader Joe's?
They're putting it up,
Right up, clear as day,
Our grocery dreams
Have been answered today!
THE TRADER JOE'S SIGN:
Here I am! There's no mistaking me!
My red and white face is as plain as can be.
I herald cheap prices on artisan snacks,
And pitas! And hummus! And bread made with flax!
(THE SALEM CHORUS and PEOPLE OF KEIZER rush to their computer to share this dazzling news with their friends)
SALEM TWITTERERS:
Oh my God! Is it true? We’re so very excited!
KEIZER FACEBOOKERS:
Finally! It's here! We're so crazy delighted!
STATESMAN BUSINESS REPORTER (and VOICE OF REASON)
But wait! Are you sure?
For there's been no discussion
Of a new grocery here,
In this Keizer location.
(But the CHORUSES and K. WILLIAMS BROWN are too excited by the news. An hour of euphoria ensures as the CHORUSES dance across Twitter and Facebook and K. WILLIAMS BROWN texts her friends and draws up a mental grocery list. And then, the music changes to a minor key, thunder starts rumbling and KEIZER STATION REPRESENTATIVES sweep onstage)
KEIZER STATION REPRESENTATIVES:
Uh, about that new sign, well --
We're so very sorry.
There is no Trader Joe's
There is no calamari.
It was an error,
That's all we can say
An old-fashioned prank,
You will get it one day.
Sometimes, you see,
We'll put up some signs
For fun! Just to get the rain
Off of our minds.
It was a slow Tuesday,
We found ourselves bored
And decided to taunt you
With non-real stores.
(The PEOPLE OF SALEM and KEIZER gnash their teeth and tear at their garments. The KEIZER STATION REPRESENTATIVES make appropriately remorseful faces. K. WILLIAMS BROWN sends out sad, corrective texts)
CHORUSES OF SALEM and KEIZER:
A fake sign to trick us?!
What nerve, and what pluck!
Seriously, a fake sign?
Trader Joe's, what the … heck?
FACEBOOKER ONE:
I'm angry! So angry!
FACEBOOKERS TWO, THREE and FOUR:
We are too!
FACEBOOKERS FIVE, SIX and SEVEN:
Us as well!
This Tuesday seemed great,
Then it just went to hell.
THE MID-VALLEY CHORUS:
We'll not take this, Joe's
Not from you, not from any source,
We'll head down Commercial
Spend our money at Lifesource.
(The PEOPLE OF SALEM and KEIZER make angry faces, which soon soften. They sigh heavily.)
THE MID-VALLEY CHORUS:
But wait! Please come back!
We surely didn't mean it,
We would do anything
For a Joe's that is legit.
We'll give you some tax breaks!
We’ll pour through your doors,
We'd give up each first-born
For one of your stores.
(But the music remains dark. Not all dreams can come true, and not all Oregon cities can get a TraderJoe's. THE MID-VALLEY CHORUS slowly waste away into nothingness, their frozen burrito dreams evaporating like sea foam in the sun. The score ends on a hanging, unresolved note.)
FIN.
K. Williams Brown is the entertainment reporter for the Statesman Journal. She will not be quitting her day job.
Originally published June 18, 2010
Remember last week, when I said I would write about how Salem of 1927 and 2010 are exactly the same? Right now, there's only one similarity that's on my mind: neither 1927 Salem nor 2010 Salem have a Trader Joe's. So now, because it has vexed me so badly, I present to you "Trader Jokes — the Musical!"This concept is shamelessly stolen from The New Yorker, and this is strictly how I imagine the whole thing has gone down. Let me say this one more time, so there can be no confusion: this is 100 percent a work of fiction. Except for the parts that are true.
(Our musical opens on THE SALEM CHORUS huddled in a mass of cars on Lancaster. They are each in separate cars, yet sing as one.)
PEOPLE OF SALEM:
Why are there no options here?
Why no frozen gnocchi?
Why are there no options here?
Where's our green tea mochi?
We do not want Target,
Nor Safeway's dull rows,
We do not want Wal-Mart --
We want Trader Joe's!
We'll join Facebook groups,
Demand corporate's ear,
We'll whine and complain
'Til we get our Joe's here.
PEOPLE OF KEIZER:
And we want one, too!
So why not Keizer Station?
We’d be much more worthy
Of your consideration
We do make more money,
We have more degrees,
Despite chilling effects of
State workers’ wage freeze.
(At Trader Joe's corporate headquarters in Monrovia, TRADER JOE'S CEO smokes an organic, delicious and yet reasonably priced cigar, laughs and tosses the PEOPLE OF SALEM's and the KEIZER CHORUS’ letters into the recycling bin)
TRADER JOE'S CEO:
No Trader Joe's for you!
We don't mean to bruise egos,
You're not our demographic,
Shop up in Lake Oswego.
(The PEOPLE OF PORTLAND enter on their fixed-wheel bikes)
PEOPLE OF PORTLAND (smugly):
We have in our borders
So many groceries superior,
This is just that much proof,
that our neighbor's inferior.
(Exit PEOPLE OF PORTLAND. Time passes with a great, swelling chorus. The SALEM CHORUS dreams of Trader Joe's and Three Buck Chuck. The KEIZER CHORUS celebrates Iris Fest, though their heart is not in it. Then, a low timpani rumble as GUY AT KEIZER STATION walks on stage, dazed)
GUY AT KEIZER STATION:
Hey! You guys! I see something there!
That new sign! Do you suppose
That the meaning of this
Is a new Trader Joe's?
They're putting it up,
Right up, clear as day,
Our grocery dreams
Have been answered today!
THE TRADER JOE'S SIGN:
Here I am! There's no mistaking me!
My red and white face is as plain as can be.
I herald cheap prices on artisan snacks,
And pitas! And hummus! And bread made with flax!
(THE SALEM CHORUS and PEOPLE OF KEIZER rush to their computer to share this dazzling news with their friends)
SALEM TWITTERERS:
Oh my God! Is it true? We’re so very excited!
KEIZER FACEBOOKERS:
Finally! It's here! We're so crazy delighted!
STATESMAN BUSINESS REPORTER (and VOICE OF REASON)
But wait! Are you sure?
For there's been no discussion
Of a new grocery here,
In this Keizer location.
(But the CHORUSES and K. WILLIAMS BROWN are too excited by the news. An hour of euphoria ensures as the CHORUSES dance across Twitter and Facebook and K. WILLIAMS BROWN texts her friends and draws up a mental grocery list. And then, the music changes to a minor key, thunder starts rumbling and KEIZER STATION REPRESENTATIVES sweep onstage)
KEIZER STATION REPRESENTATIVES:
Uh, about that new sign, well --
We're so very sorry.
There is no Trader Joe's
There is no calamari.
It was an error,
That's all we can say
An old-fashioned prank,
You will get it one day.
Sometimes, you see,
We'll put up some signs
For fun! Just to get the rain
Off of our minds.
It was a slow Tuesday,
We found ourselves bored
And decided to taunt you
With non-real stores.
(The PEOPLE OF SALEM and KEIZER gnash their teeth and tear at their garments. The KEIZER STATION REPRESENTATIVES make appropriately remorseful faces. K. WILLIAMS BROWN sends out sad, corrective texts)
CHORUSES OF SALEM and KEIZER:
A fake sign to trick us?!
What nerve, and what pluck!
Seriously, a fake sign?
Trader Joe's, what the … heck?
FACEBOOKER ONE:
I'm angry! So angry!
FACEBOOKERS TWO, THREE and FOUR:
We are too!
FACEBOOKERS FIVE, SIX and SEVEN:
Us as well!
This Tuesday seemed great,
Then it just went to hell.
THE MID-VALLEY CHORUS:
We'll not take this, Joe's
Not from you, not from any source,
We'll head down Commercial
Spend our money at Lifesource.
(The PEOPLE OF SALEM and KEIZER make angry faces, which soon soften. They sigh heavily.)
THE MID-VALLEY CHORUS:
But wait! Please come back!
We surely didn't mean it,
We would do anything
For a Joe's that is legit.
We'll give you some tax breaks!
We’ll pour through your doors,
We'd give up each first-born
For one of your stores.
(But the music remains dark. Not all dreams can come true, and not all Oregon cities can get a TraderJoe's. THE MID-VALLEY CHORUS slowly waste away into nothingness, their frozen burrito dreams evaporating like sea foam in the sun. The score ends on a hanging, unresolved note.)
FIN.
K. Williams Brown is the entertainment reporter for the Statesman Journal. She will not be quitting her day job.