The Ghost of Black Fridays Yet to Come
The Statesman Journal covers the heck out of Black Friday, which I get. There's lots of people who are super into it, and it's a fun tradition, and so on. I HATE Black Friday. As someone who never, ever pays retail price for anything, I consider it amateur hour. This, combined with the fact that for several years I had to get up at 4 in the morning to cover these people (which required me to leave my own family's Thanksgiving celebration early) made me extra angry. This is probably the crankiest column I've ever written.
Originally published Nov. 27, 2011
I hope you're enjoying Slothful Sunday, which, of course, comes after Brown Thursday, Black Friday and Small-Business Saturday — but before Cyber Monday.
On Slothful Sunday, one should engage in only the lightest of commerce.
Let yourself rest after the commercial onslaught of the past few days, but be sure to maintain shopping fitness to be ready for Cyber Monday and the month-long marathon that follows. Maybe clip some coupons or stock up on canned pumpkin before supplies dry up, just to stay in practice.
Ha! Just kidding. I don't think there is such a thing as Slothful Sunday. But there will be. Oh yes. There will be.
You know how sometimes, when observing a cultural phenomenon, you realize that it is going to get so much worse? That someday, you will look back upon this already-appalling moment and think about how these were the good days?
Facebook, the tone of American political discourse, 12-year-olds who dress like Christina Aguilera and Black Friday all fall firmly into this category. Someday, we will long for the days when pepper spraying your opponent's children in the eyes was considered poor form, the days when preteens could be coaxed into putting on shirts.
I think Black Friday is the worst. I really do. It exemplifies about 14 things I hate about human motives and behavior. There's no need to spend this space explaining the badness; the possibility of getting trampled to death while standing in line for discounted socks kind of speaks for itself.
And it is going to get worse. So much worse, so here is a vision of what we can look forward to. Clip this column and refer to it in 10 years. I am the retail Nostradamus. Promise.
It will start four days ahead of time with Manila Monday. Named after the envelopes, it will be the biggest day of the year for office supplies retailers.
Look for pencils up to 80 percent off, buy-one-get-one ream of legal-sized paper and lots of promotional ergonomic keyboard wrist cushions.
Trampling probability: 30 percent. Do not underestimate the ruthlessness of office managers when bulk felt-tip pens are in play.
Toile Tuesday: In a nod to the famous French textiles, Toile Tuesday will be all about the imported pattern fabrics. Pick up brocade or sari fabric for 12 cents a yard. Jo-Ann's will be a no-man's land.
Trampling probability: 17 percent. Fabric shoppers tend to be high on the grandmotherliness index and thus are more likely to be trample-ees than trample-ers.
Weapon Wednesday: On this festive day, all across the land, items manufactured specifically to hurt people will be 50 percent off. Pepper spray! Throwing stars! 9-mm pistols!
This is useful not only for those who are running for office, but also those who plan to go all out on Black Friday (see "Black Friday" below).
Trampling probability: 72 percent, although at least you'll be prepared to defend yourself.
Brown Thursday: This day is a nod to the very first Brown Thursday, when the Indians offered the Pilgrims steeply discounted maize kernels until 11 a.m. Munch on a Turkey Lunchable while you wait.
P.S. "Brown Thursday" is a disgusting and perfect name for the phenomenon of people skipping a day set aside for love and gratitude so they can get in some shopping. Because if there's one thing we could use more of, it's definitely shopping, not gratitude.
Trampling probability: 64 percent.
Black Friday: Stick with me because this one is outside-the-box. A single golden lentil will be hidden somewhere inside every major store. When the doors open, a frothy clot of deal-seekers will tear the store apart right down to the studs. Veteran shoppers will know to hold razor blades between their knuckles, both for lentil-seeking and other-shopper-slashing purposes.
Whoever turns in the golden lentil gets to claim all the earthly possessions of shoppers that did not.
Chance of trampling: Ha ha, yes.
K. Williams Brown is the entertainment reporter for the Statesman Journal. If vintage cocktail frocks were 80 percent off, she, too, would be trampling
Originally published Nov. 27, 2011
I hope you're enjoying Slothful Sunday, which, of course, comes after Brown Thursday, Black Friday and Small-Business Saturday — but before Cyber Monday.
On Slothful Sunday, one should engage in only the lightest of commerce.
Let yourself rest after the commercial onslaught of the past few days, but be sure to maintain shopping fitness to be ready for Cyber Monday and the month-long marathon that follows. Maybe clip some coupons or stock up on canned pumpkin before supplies dry up, just to stay in practice.
Ha! Just kidding. I don't think there is such a thing as Slothful Sunday. But there will be. Oh yes. There will be.
You know how sometimes, when observing a cultural phenomenon, you realize that it is going to get so much worse? That someday, you will look back upon this already-appalling moment and think about how these were the good days?
Facebook, the tone of American political discourse, 12-year-olds who dress like Christina Aguilera and Black Friday all fall firmly into this category. Someday, we will long for the days when pepper spraying your opponent's children in the eyes was considered poor form, the days when preteens could be coaxed into putting on shirts.
I think Black Friday is the worst. I really do. It exemplifies about 14 things I hate about human motives and behavior. There's no need to spend this space explaining the badness; the possibility of getting trampled to death while standing in line for discounted socks kind of speaks for itself.
And it is going to get worse. So much worse, so here is a vision of what we can look forward to. Clip this column and refer to it in 10 years. I am the retail Nostradamus. Promise.
It will start four days ahead of time with Manila Monday. Named after the envelopes, it will be the biggest day of the year for office supplies retailers.
Look for pencils up to 80 percent off, buy-one-get-one ream of legal-sized paper and lots of promotional ergonomic keyboard wrist cushions.
Trampling probability: 30 percent. Do not underestimate the ruthlessness of office managers when bulk felt-tip pens are in play.
Toile Tuesday: In a nod to the famous French textiles, Toile Tuesday will be all about the imported pattern fabrics. Pick up brocade or sari fabric for 12 cents a yard. Jo-Ann's will be a no-man's land.
Trampling probability: 17 percent. Fabric shoppers tend to be high on the grandmotherliness index and thus are more likely to be trample-ees than trample-ers.
Weapon Wednesday: On this festive day, all across the land, items manufactured specifically to hurt people will be 50 percent off. Pepper spray! Throwing stars! 9-mm pistols!
This is useful not only for those who are running for office, but also those who plan to go all out on Black Friday (see "Black Friday" below).
Trampling probability: 72 percent, although at least you'll be prepared to defend yourself.
Brown Thursday: This day is a nod to the very first Brown Thursday, when the Indians offered the Pilgrims steeply discounted maize kernels until 11 a.m. Munch on a Turkey Lunchable while you wait.
P.S. "Brown Thursday" is a disgusting and perfect name for the phenomenon of people skipping a day set aside for love and gratitude so they can get in some shopping. Because if there's one thing we could use more of, it's definitely shopping, not gratitude.
Trampling probability: 64 percent.
Black Friday: Stick with me because this one is outside-the-box. A single golden lentil will be hidden somewhere inside every major store. When the doors open, a frothy clot of deal-seekers will tear the store apart right down to the studs. Veteran shoppers will know to hold razor blades between their knuckles, both for lentil-seeking and other-shopper-slashing purposes.
Whoever turns in the golden lentil gets to claim all the earthly possessions of shoppers that did not.
Chance of trampling: Ha ha, yes.
K. Williams Brown is the entertainment reporter for the Statesman Journal. If vintage cocktail frocks were 80 percent off, she, too, would be trampling